Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Knock Knock
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs