Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?