Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM