This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
*puts cutlery down*
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.