Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Got ya covered
My wife gives the best headache.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.