Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Good advice.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
the clam before the storm
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.