Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
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I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.