If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
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USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?