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[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.