I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
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So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Skills
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
happy friday
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.