yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
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*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
this is funnier than any friends episode
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
he looks great for his age
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*