By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
you have three unread messages
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no