My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble