I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
You Might Also Like
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
moms in horror movies
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.