*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
when you are just born a rebel