Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
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My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
😩😩😩
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.