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I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
we’re gonna need another temp
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
When the stylist spins you back around
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.