STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.