@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
he was correct
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
THIS HEADLINE
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?