[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
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i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My flabber has been gasted.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.