Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
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“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Left at a local drug store…
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure