Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
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Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training