I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
You Might Also Like
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”