My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.