It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.