Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I hope it’s French Onion!
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
is it earth
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?