Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
You Might Also Like
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up