[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
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I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Muppet Screams
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone