doing your own taxes
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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Good boy 😂😂
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i