“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Spring of Deception
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.