If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
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He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house