If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus