Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
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Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat