Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
🚲+physics = winner
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy