An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
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Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns