An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
You Might Also Like
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means