4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
You Might Also Like
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”