Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
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I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
getting groceries
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…