@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

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@flashember

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

@JennSlowpez

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

@brandomonium

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

@JPLFR80

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets