Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
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“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets