you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
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any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.