You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
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ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.