I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?