friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
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Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Bless you
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts