“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
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[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”