I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
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My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
what day is it?
my mom making me talk to relatives
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run