My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho