I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Hard not to take this personally
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.