Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”