Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
nature’s most graceful animal
craving $300 all of a sudden
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that đź‘Ť
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
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*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.