Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant