Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …