the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
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There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I am crying
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you