[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Sorry. Not sorry
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
#SuperBowl
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.