[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.