My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.